when it rains, it pours

After dinner tonight, I went back up to the hospital in hopes of finding that things had improved with my father. Unfortunately, they hadn't. In fact, they had gotten worse. He had not spoken since I left earlier this afternoon. His face had the "droop" and you could tell that he knew what he wanted to say, but he couldn't get any words out at all. And my step-mother said he was having problems with his "opposites" as well. Sometimes when he would nod his head yes, he meant no and when he shook his head no, he meant yes. And it was apparent that even though he was trying very hard not to get frustrated, he was. They were preparing to give him a blood thinner medication which would not eliminate the current clot, but would prevent any more from forming.

I'm very tired, very emotional and am ready to fall asleep. Actually falling asleep may be another story though.

Just when you think you have found your way out....

of the forest, you end up finding yourself walking in circles. My father was admitted to the hospital this morning for a "minor" stroke. He was fine when I left, although he couldn't always say what he wanted to. The nurse said his stroke fell somewhere between a TIA and a major stroke. I don't know what else to say really. I'm just very emotional right now.

Trying to find my way through the trees

I'm trying to get out of my funk. My life since I lost my grandfather has basically been sleeping. during the day. Not able to get motivated in the mornings, not able to fall asleep at night. Today was the first day in a while that I didn't sleep when Jason slept. I stayed awake and did housework and stuff today! It was good!! So, for a while I was lost in the "forest" of my depression, but now I am starting to feel better....

I thought you were so strong, you'd make it through whatever. It's so hard to accept the fact your gone forever.

This is for my peoples who just lost somebody
Your best friend, your baby, your man, or your lady
Put your hand way up high
We will never say bye (no, no, no)
Mamas, daddies, sisters, brothers, friends and cousins
This is for my peoples who lost their grandmothers
Lift your head to the sky 'cause we will never say bye

As a child there were them times
I didn't get it but you kept me in line
I didn't know why you didn't show up sometimes
On Sunday mornings, and I missed you
But I'm glad we talked through
All them grown folk things
Separation brings
You never let me know it
You never let it show because
You loved me and obviously
There's so much more left to say
If you were with me today face to face

[Chorus:]
I never knew I could hurt like this
And everyday life goes on like
"I wish I could talk to you for awhile"
Miss you but I try not to cry
As time goes by
And soon as you reach a better place
Still I'd give the world to see your face
And I'm right here next to you
But it's like you're gone too soon
Now the hardest thing to do is say bye bye
(Bye Bye [3x])
Bye bye

And you never got the chance to see how good I've done
And you never got to see me back at number one
I wish that you were here to celebrate together
I wish that we could spend the holidays together

I remember when you used to tuck me in at night
With the Teddy Bear you gave to me that I held so tight
I thought you were so strong
You'd make it through whatever
It's so hard to accept the fact you're gone forever
[Chorus]

(bye bye bye bye bye bye [3x])
Bye bye

This is for my peoples who just lost somebody
Your best friend, your baby, your man, or your lady
Put your hand way up high
We will never say bye (no, no, no)
Mamas, daddies, sisters, brothers, friends and cousins
This is for my peoples who lost their grandmothers
Lift your head to the sky 'cause we will never say bye

[Chorus]


It was a week ago today that I lost my Buppie. I miss him so much it hurts. I looked at a picture today and just started bawling. I know he is watching me, but right now, it doesn't make it hurt any less. =[

My Eyes Are Closed & My Heart Is Open

I've never actually watched anyone die before. I imagine though it was one of the more peaceful passings. His breathing began to change. He drew in a couple of short rattly breaths. And then it slowed down. He would take in a short breath and then nothing for what seemed like an eternity. It was only Michelle, Bonnie and me in the room. Bonnie quietly sent Michelle to get a nurse who came in, shut the door and confirmed his passing. Bonnie stood kind of quietly as Michelle and I sobbed. Bonnie asked the nurse if the others could come in. I was afraid of Bonnie falling apart so I stood up and said that I would tell everyone.

When I opened the door, everyone could tell that something was wrong, but I still got questioned as to what the matter was. I told them he was gone. That was quite the trial for me. Everyone jumped up and ran to his room. That was it, my grandfather, Buppie, my hero was gone.

What was I suppose to do now? We all stood for a few minutes and cried together. Michelle and I went outside for a few minutes and then re-joined our family, most of whom was packing up and getting ready to head out.

I gave my Buppie one last kiss good-bye.

I know he is in a better place now and there is no more pain and suffering. It will take a long time for us to feel better about any of this, but one thing is for sure, he will be greatly missed, never forgotten and always in our hearts.

What do you say?

What do you say when you are sitting in a room alone with one of the very few men in your life that you have ever fully trusted and he is dying? "I love you", "I'm going to miss you", "I don't know what I am ever going to do without you" and "I'm never going to smile the same" all come to mind, but don't seem adequate enough. Maybe it's because I feel like I am no good at speaking the words I want to say. I'm better at writing them I think.

I know my Buppie knows that I love him with everything I have in me and I know the feeling is mutual. I sat with him though today for about an hour, just sat there. He was in and out of sleep and at one point, he looked over at me and I said a simple "Hey there" and he said, "Hi Liz." (I THOUGHT he asked for WATER, but it turns out he was just saying hi") And while it's a simple thing, the past two visits he hasn't said anything at all, so for me to hear him say that was a major thing.

I think I have felt quite a few different emotions with this whole situation. Anger that there are so many cruel, heartless people who do not value their life and don't deserve to live who will live for many more years to come; while my grandfather who is one of the most caring people I have ever met lies dying in his hospice bed. Anger that this country spends so much goddamn money on pointless crap instead of finding a cure for cancer. Sadness that I'm going to lose him, sadness that Jason will not remember his great-grandfather personally, but only through the memories we share with him. Closeness to my family right now. Strength to know that I will make it through this even though it will be hell for me and my family. Determination that my grandfather will NEVER be forgotten. Fear of watching another one of my family member going through this (worst fear ~ MY father). Hope that if it does happen to my father, I have the strength, determination, courage and every other wonderful trait my Aunt DeeDee has to be there for Vicki the way Denise is there for Bobo......Like a said a major mix of emotions.....

As I was leaving today, I said, "All right handsome, I'm going to leave ok?" No response, but I gave him a kiss and told him I loved him. Tiny smile came on his face I think, but the words were clear as day, "I love you" was the response I got back. Made me smile and want to cry all at the same time.

"Hi Liz" and "I love you" are things people say to me all the time everyday, but hearing it today from a very special man who will always be with me is my little "treasure".

My Changes

Well, as some of you have found out all ready, Patrick and I have seperated. It has taken me sometime to come to terms with it, but I finally have. I have my car finally and my plan is to try and get my CNA License. The class starts in January.

I don't want to say it has been a long time coming because I don't believe it was. I'm not sure where things went wrong, but I do think that at least for now, it is for the best and I'm not sure that a final divorce is in our future yet, but that is something that only time will tell.